What You Didn't Realize

As a child you are taught to be happy go lucky, never interrupt and always, always say please and thank you.  

Mind your manners my mother would tell me.  And it drove me crazy.

I didn't want to be someone cautious of everything, I wanted to be me. Nothing more, nothing less.  

Admittedly, I behaved when around my mother and had my way when she wasn't near.  

The, put your morning vitamins in your mouth but really under your tongue  kind of girl and spit them into the bush on your way to school.

But if I only knew then what I know now.  

I remember that trip to that large black glass building, smile on my face not knowing what was to come.  

Smile on my face as you exited through the wooden doors,

shocked as you walked past me and my brother leaving us alone.  

Him, being 12, five years my senior knew what was going on.  Seven is a tender age.  

Was a tender age.  For me, it never existed.

I spent years hoping that one day, you would realize that I am more important than the chemicals you allowed to cloud you mind and your judgement. 

Addiction is more powerful then one may think.

As I got older my rage grew stronger.  That rebel I wanted to be built a person of brutal honesty.

I find it to be much easier to not sugar coat, and get straight to the point.  

At times it can be mistaken as being a bitch with people who can't handle the truth.  Like yourself.

Remember that time you contacted me asking if you could be let back into my life, shocked when my answer was no.

What you didn't realize is that I am no longer that seven year old girl who had been let down by the very person who was supposed to protect me.  

What you didn't realize was that through years of fighting my inner demons,

I came to the realization that you were damaged goods too.

What you didn't realize was that I had accepted a long time ago that I was better off left with no contact from you or anyone else from that life.  

What you didn't realize was that at the age of 19, 

your title was conveniently changed to the women who gave birth to me.

You are not a mother, you are not my mother.

However, you are the women who helped me to realize that I am thankful for your courage to give me life not once, but twice.  

You see, I've learned that that moment you went into that large black glass building,

you had decided to willingly give up your parental right in hopes of getting clean and one day being reunited with your children. 

But what you didn't realize, was that someone else would love me just as much as you did.

At the vital age of twenty-four, I am a better person for my past.  

I am wiser than most my age, I am realistic and remained a dreamer. Most importantly, I am me.

As a child you are taught to be happy go lucky, never interrupt and always, always say please and thank you.